Entry #5: Reclaiming my Self-Love
The above picture is my hand, but on the ring finger I have gifted myself different rings. One ring being a heart shaped ring featuring a light blue stone with white topaz around. Ring two being a white fire opal stone with white topaz on the band.
At the end of my Leaving the Decade entry, I wrote my goal for the new years to come. Let’s jump into it:
Reclaiming my Self-Love:
When you have spent any long period of time in an unhealthy mental health space it is easy to question whether or not you have any self-love or even your worth. Unfortunately, it’s been a long time of self doubting and self loathing. I spent way to much time and energy trying to prove myself to the world and because of it I am extremely hard on myself. I also have a giant fear of not being wanted and being abandoned, but some of that stems from other aspects of my life. I’ve become emotionally immune to sustaining my own well-being.
It is time to change that! I am reclaiming my self-love with these rings.
My Inner Dialogue:
With therapy I have learned to be more aware of how I self talk by changing my inner dialogue. Instead of telling myself to prove my worth, I would instead tell myself “I am enough.” I know this sounds like a small change, but before I did this I was over functioning my brain to the point that my body physically shut down. I felt chronically empty, but by changing this one aspect of how I thought I was able to write a new inner dialogue. My new inner dialogue is my affirmation list.
“I am safe, now. I am in control of my thoughts, my words, and my life. I deserve love and support. I am enough. My courage is stronger than my fear. I am in control. I am worthy of respect. I am becoming a better version of myself one day at a time. Radiate courage! I will not worry with what I can’t control. I release shock, fear, grief, trauma, terror, and my guilt. I release the tension, the pain, and the isolation. I AM NOT ALONE. I deserve to heal.”
I read this everyday as a reminder.
Create Boundaries:
A hard step in this is learning to put myself first. I am a people pleasure, but I will not please everybody and that is something I need to understand. Currently, I have little to no concept of boundaries and I put needs of everyone else above mine. Yet another thing that has my brain over functioning to the expense of my physical health. My goal is to start with low-stake boundaries: like excusing myself from conversations rather than making my daily phone calls a weekly matter. If a situation is upsetting, I will walk away and eventually we will work up to speaking up. The point of setting boundaries isn’t entirely learning how to say “no.” It is learning to assess situations to figure out what you want to do. It’s checking in with yourself first and realizing that you have limits. In this process I am learning myself. I am finding my power in the world. I am creating a balance in my world.
True Happiness:
I need to find my happiness: by figuring out myself and knowing what truly excites me, by knowing that I deserve love and I deserve happiness, by learning to be proud of who I am, by taking charge of my life!
This is where I am now: March 2020
I try to be a kind person always. I am a hard worker. I beat a lot of odds to get where I am today. I try not to judge others. I am proud of my unconditional love for everyone. I am excited for this process, but I do know it is going to be a journey. I will have set backs, but will continue my inner dialogue and remind myself that I am only human. I am ready to feel that unconditional love that I give others.